yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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