He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
