So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
