I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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