if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
