so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
