Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Let's get the cat blown out
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize