Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
