I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
