My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
