Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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