Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
