im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Houston, we have a blender
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
