But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
