I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
