I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
