DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
