It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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