Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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