I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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