if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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