i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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