Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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