They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
