I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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