If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
