If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
