Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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