Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
