He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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