highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
