I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
