so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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