How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
