"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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