Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
