So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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