new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize