You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
