I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
