I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
