If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
