Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
