I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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