My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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