I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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