dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
