So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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