I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
