i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
