$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
