You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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