The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
