U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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