I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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