the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Walk of Shame today included voting.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize