Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
smell my finger.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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