I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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