I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
