What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
