last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
