I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
