I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
