I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I am midnight drunk by noon
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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