Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize