I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
