Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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