Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
