Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
