I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
